you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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