She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
