New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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