who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
