Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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