separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
