I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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