I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
