he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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