sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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