If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
