I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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