i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
