Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
