is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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