Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
