So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
