i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
