Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
