Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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