I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize