How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
