her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
