My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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