We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
