made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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