You made me cry and you don't even care
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
