I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
