I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
How does it feel to date your dad?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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