I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
