need another drink. this is the easiest way
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
