im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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