rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
