i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
