I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
