They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
