i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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