4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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