dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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