We named our party play list daddy issues
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
