I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
