I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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