I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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