The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize