Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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