4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
