This is not my ceiling
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
