I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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