Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
this hospital has no fireball
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
