please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
