I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
