I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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