I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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