I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize