I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
