I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
