need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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