I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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