Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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