i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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