direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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