Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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