Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
