Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
