Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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