Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize