I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
