i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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