I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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