highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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